Jennifer Jane Jane Jennifer

Did you say "underminer"? What does that mean?
Poor Jen, she can’t win. She can’t win the PR battle against the brilliance of the Family Pitt and now it looks like a former friend, Nancy Balbirer, is writing a “it’s not Jennifer Aniston even though every detail fits Jennifer Aniston” book. 

The 40-year-old Balbirer was among the performers who told stories of their own personal "underminers." Balbirer's "underminer" was "a famous sitcom actress" called "Jane" — a thinly veiled Aniston — who she met when both were auditioning to be extras on "Saturday Night Live."

A Lowdown spy reports: "Jane, who had recently graduated from the High School of Performing Arts, was a few years younger than Nancy and was the daughter of a soap actor and a plastic-surgery victim who had divorced. Nancy let Jane live rent-free in her Village apartment for a few months.

"Nancy said Jane, who was then working at a burger joint, was obsessed with her looks, and would give herself bikini waxes while lying upside-down on the couch. The pair went on auditions, on diets, and to aerobics classes together. Jane advised Nancy to try and be 'more f—able' on auditions, and to buy chicken cutlets at the Food Emporium to stuff her bra. Jane iced her nipples before auditions, and lamented her big butt and her nose, which she said 'came from her Greek half.'

"Jane moved to Los Angeles, got liposuction, a nose job and a hairline adjustment, and lost a lot of weight after going on Nutri­Slim. Nancy recounted a trip to L.A. where she asked to stay with her old friend, but instead Jane named some hotels, telling Nancy not to be so desperate, because it's unattractive, especially in a town like L.A.

"After Jane landed a sitcom about friends who live together in the Village, Nancy independently met with the show's producers for a recurring role, which she landed on the spot. A few hours later, she was inexplicably fired, yet paid in full, plus an extra week's pay, despite never filming a scene. Later a producer friend told Nancy that Jane had her fired and the two old friends never spoke again."

Now I have never bought into the woman scorned story that Camp Aniston has been rocking - I don’t buy it, but I understand the angle. But for the believers of this propaganda, this fictional account of the early days of a would-be starlet is a little peek into the world of a cold, driven young woman who, one could argue, matured into a cold, driven older woman who was the reason her husband left, not necessarily because he was the victim of the womanly wiles of an irresistible co-star.

But I digress, after the fictional account of the friend that is eerily similar to Ms. Aniston hit the gossip columns, Balbirer, sent a letter denying any reference to Ms. Aniston and Gawker does a lovely job of translating it for us. Have a look-see.